To bring up a child, five times a day he crosses the road, three times a day he falls down- pray he will not hit his head on the floor, pray he will not drown, not be hurt by fire, not be hurt by another child in school, not get sick, not break a leg, not get his heart broken... Every day there is at least one moment of fear, one moment your heart stops beating. To go through kindergarten with him, the heartbreaking farewells at the gate, a small hand waving a last goodbye until mum disappears around the corner.. To bring him to his first grade at school, to stand by the wall, to see his back, his head with hair cut short, the face of a teacher, the black board. You wish him all the best. Annual school trips, waiting for the bus to bring him back. The move into high school. To watch him growing up everyday and moving away from us. To say goodbye at the army base. To know that all we have is borrowed time and the wheels of time cannot be turned back .To understand how little protection parent’s hands really give him. To pray that he will be back safely home, to pray only good befalls him. To pray that nobody will knock on your door at dawn... A week has passed and our emotions are still numb. Everything is flowing in a mist and only death is everlastingly there... A deformation that cannot be fixed. The fog disconnects the brain, explodes the veins. There is no hand to hold on to, only one great mute scream. There is no answer. There is no hope for a substitute. Only a Kingdom of ashes. A life of joy and happiness turned into a cutting nothingness- you are no more. There are only the flowers fresh on your grave – dear Nir. You are flourishing in blood in some another world, and we refuse to believe it. And there are no words, only memories and shattered dreams. Please forgive us Nir for trying to interpret your laughter, your thoughts the memory of your beautiful face into words. You must be watching us from far away battling with futile words- you must be watching us - and smiling... Simona 13/11/2003